Hello everyone,

It's currently one AM and I've just come home from a party. There were a couple of people from my high school there,  and seeing them brought up so many memories from the past, and made me realize what a completely different person I am today than I was two years ago. It also gave me the inspiration to write this post, one that I've been meaning to write for a while but never quite knew how. So here goes. (disclaimer- explicit language is used in this post, sorry!)

I'm fat, have hooded eyelids and small eyes that make me look Asian, practically no eyelashes, a weird, tip-tilted nose, absolutely no facial bone structure, a huge forehead, frizzy hair that doesn't cooperate, fat arms, a flat ass, tits too big, huge thighs, short legs, broad shoulders, and no waistline.
This is just a small list of things I would have told you if you'd asked me what I didn't like about myself a few years ago. I could name something wrong about any part of my body within seconds, and there was practically nothing about myself I did like. That's why it's so weird to me that now, at 19 years old, I'm sitting here, writing this post, taking about 10 minutes to rack my brain about things that could be seen as unattractive about me. Sure there's the obvious ones like the fact that I'm not a size 2 and that I do have small eyes, but all of those other stupid little things I used to nitpick at constantly, just seem so utterly irrelevant.

Here's the thing. For about 18 years of my life, I didn't really like the way I looked. I mean, I had my good days like everyone else, but generally speaking, I was very, very insecure about my appearance. This was mainly due to obvious things like people teasing me because I was a chubby kid or boys being incredibly mean and treating me like shit, but nevertheless, something in my brain was damaged by all of these things people had said about me and when I saw myself,  rather than seeing my good features, I only saw what other people didn't like about me.

And now, just a few years later, I can truly say something that might actually blow. your. mind.

I fucking love myself

I love my face, I love my hair, and yeah, I even love my body. It took me 18 years but now when I look in the mirror rather than saying 'ugh, ew' I say 'hell yeah'. And you know what, it feels damn good.

So I don't know exactly how it happened. Maybe it's because I lived on my own and was forced to be less shy and more outgoing. Maybe it was because something changed in my brain because I grew up.  Maybe it was because I moved away from a toxic environment that taught me that if you're not tall, blond and skinny, no boys will like you. Maybe it's because I realized that my beauty is not measured  by what certain boys think of me (most boys are stupid anyway).  Most likely it's a combination of all of the above. But at one point while I was living in a strange country on my own I realized that in order for us to survive in this world, we first and foremost have to love ourselves. That way, if people have negative things to say about you, it's easier to get over it. You can't live your life depending your happiness and feeling of self worth on what other people think of you. Some people are going to like you, and some people aren't. And you know what? That's totally okay! Just because one person doesn't think you're pretty, or funny, or nice, doesn't mean you aren't! Do you think you look pretty when you look in the mirror? Then you're pretty! Do you laugh at your jokes? You're funny! Are you friendly and kind to others and treat them right? Then you're nice. Fuck what anybody else says! There could be countless reasons why some people don't like you (most of which have more to do with themselves than with you, trust me), but that never means you're not a likeable person. As soon as you learn to love you, you realize that that's the most important thing and other people's opinions just don't matter as much anymore.

 Now, I'm not saying that by learning to love yourself you're going to completely not care at all about what other people think. I still get upset when people say nasty things or boys stop texting me back for no apparent reason. The only thing is, I don't let it bother me as much anymore. Let me give you a simple example. If a guy mistreated the old Rowan, she would have been like 'ugh no one likes me I'm so ugly and unlikable it's all my own fault blablabla'. New Rowan, however, responds a little more like this. "Well, he's obviously an idiot that doesn't deserve my time. Moving on!" Same goes for people saying bad things. Back in high school my best friend and I got bullied pretty severely for a while, and I really let it affect my self esteem. I assumed everything the bullies said about me was true, and figured everything was wrong with me, rather than realizing that they were just mean idiots who were just saying mean things to get me to feel bad. Just because they said those things, doesn't mean they're true.

Am I making sense so far? 

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I know that there are A LOT of people in the world who feel the way I used to feel, and I know a lot of my friends that feel this way too. I want you guys to know that what other people think of you doesn't define you. It's completely up to you and you alone to decide that you're an awesome person. You can learn to love yourself and learn to look in the mirror and see the good things instead of the bad. I know it's a lot easier said than done and trust me, it took me a really long time to get this far, but it's worth it. You need to realize that you are an awesome, beautiful, fun, smart, kind, and just overall hella cool human being and you just have to be the best you you can be. Don't be who others want you to be, be who you want you to be. If you love yourself, it will show, and people will see the reasons you love yourself and that makes it easier for them to love you too! 
  
Oh, and another quick thing. Why is it so frowned upon to love yourself? It's like society wants us to look down on ourselves and hate who we are. As soon as you look in the mirror and like the person you see, you're 'vain', 'self- obsessed', 'full of yourself', blablabla. It's like it's totally fine to talk yourself down (ugh I look so bad today/my hair looks like shit/my nose is too big/I'm so fat), but saying anything positive about yourself is a huge no no.  No, fuck that. If you think you look good, it's okay to tell people, "I look really good today!". It's okay to be confident, and even a little cocky sometimes. Let's start lifting ourselves up, instead of tearing ourselves down. You are a sexy piece of ass, now go out and own it. 


Love.