Hello Everybody!

It's been a really long time since I last posted something, but that is only because I have been turning my life upside down. Like, completely.

As most of you know, I have been trying and preparing for a few years to go to University in America. After tons of applications, stress, rejections, wait lists, more rejections, and suddenly a lot of acceptances, I finally committed to a school called the 'University of Nevada, Las Vegas'. On August 20th, 2013, I stepped on an airplane to Detroit and from Detroit I got on another plane to Las Vegas. After travelling for 15+ hours, I was exhausted, drained and most of all petrified. The week before I left was by far one of the hardest weeks of my life, because I had to say goodbye to everyone I love and everything I knew. So when I stepped on that plane, I was about 3% excited and 97% scared and sad. My first impressions of Vegas were, therefore, anything but positive. Vegas is so different from what I'm used to and what I expected, that I immediately started to panic and think 'What the hell have I gotten myself into'. To be completely honest with you guys, I was about 100% ready to spin 180 degrees and head straight into the next flight back to Amsterdam. Thank God my parents decided to stay with me for the first ten days so when I had my little no-sleep/lots-of-travel freak out, they were there to calm me down. So far I have quite used to Vegas, though the heat is driving me crazy and I really miss grass. (I mean literally grass- not weed).

I ended up visiting my campus the very next day (which was great because I love my campus so that made me feel a lot less insecure about the whole situation) and got a TON of stuff done. I woke up not having a clue what I wanted to do, and went to bed as a film student! The next day was move-in day. Even though I had decided to stay at the hotel with my parents to spend as much time with them as I could, I still went to see my dorm and meet my roommates. For some reason I was assigned a triple, which turned out to be a blessing in disguise! I ended up with two amazing roommates and way more space than I would have had in a double. People actually want to come into our room to admire the size. The next few days were filled with dorm shopping, dorm shopping and more dorm shopping. Everyday my parents and I thought of something new that was missing from my room, and I think I've spent more time in Walmart and Target than I have in my actual room. I absolutely love that I got to style my own dorm and am so pleased with the final results (pictures will follow soon- as soon as I've cleaned up enough for it to look decent in pictures). Classes started on monday and because I only have five classes I have a really nice schedule. Thank God I had my first class ever with my roommate Sarah, which took away a lot of the first day jitters. So far I have enjoyed every one of my classes, but I am still determined to get an amazing GPA and to transfer to UCLA someday.

Then came the hard part. Somewhere last week, my (American) grandma surprised me by flying out to Vegas to spend some time with me and my parents. She left on Wednesday but I wasn't really sad because I'm used to only seeing her once a year, but now that I live so much closer to her I get to see her a lot more often. Thursday, however, was the last official day I got to spend with my parents who were leaving on Friday morning. The thought of them leaving made me so sad that I got physically ill and felt horrible during most of my classes. I know most college students can't wait for their parents to leave them alone, but I am the complete opposite. I am an only child and I have the best relationship with my parents you can imagine. To me, they're not only my parents but my very best friends. I love spending time with them and have so many great memories with them, so you can imagine how hard it is for me being about 14 hours away from them. There is a 9 hour time difference which makes it really hard for us to call, skype or text and that is so odd because I'm used to speaking to my parents all the time. Thursday night I decided to spend one more night with them before they left, and when they dropped me off at my dorm the next morning we were all extremely sad. I tried to repress my feelings a bit and went straight back to my new bed, trying not to think of how horribly I already missed them, and that I wouldn't be able to see them for the next 3 months.

Today has not been as easy. It started off a lot of fun, I went to town with my roommate Maleah and two of her friends, and they were all super nice. I had a great time, but I couldn't stop thinking about how everyone I knew already knew people and had already made their groups of friends, and that from now on, I was officially all alone. They didn't treat me as a third wheel at all but when I am in a group of people I have a constant fear that they won't like me so I sort of start to feel really shy and uncomfortable, no matter how nice the people are or how much fun we're actually having. I don't really want to say I have social anxiety because I get along with people easily but I am also really, really scared of meeting new people or doing stuff with people I don't really know that well. When I get that scared and uncomfortable, I always just really want to go home (you know the feeling you had when your mom dropped you off on the first day of school and all you wanted to do was hide behind her and never let her go? Yeah, that one) and usually I could. But today, after the girls and I went our separate ways, I suddenly realized that this time I couldn't go home. I couldn't cry to my parents or my best friend or hang out at my grandma's house. I was all alone and I will be all alone for quite a while. That thought was so horrifying and sad to me that I suddenly got a rush of homesickness and 100% regretted my decision of coming to the US. Tonight, I was supposed to go out with the girls and hopefully meet new people and make new contacts, but in stead, I put on my pajama's, went to bed and watched movies and ate food after I'd cried my eyes out for about an hour.

I know that making new friends is important but honestly, I just really couldn't bring up the courage or the lust to go out and socialize while I was feeling the worst I had ever felt. For most of you reading this, it probably all sounds completely ridiculous and I sound like a drama queen, but I would like to say, trade lives with me for a little while. Moving half way across the world was the scariest, but also the most courageous thing I have ever done in my life, and I am so proud of myself for taking this step. The reason I haven't booked my flight back to Amsterdam -because believe me, I am ready to- is because I know that what I'm going through right now is completely normal and because I know that this too shall pass. I knew when I started this journey that it was going to be hard for me, especially in the beginning, but I am following my dream and not giving up without at least trying. I know that I will make close friends that will remain in my life forever, maybe not right now, but that's okay. I am scared that everyone is making friends and doing things without me, but does that really mean that all the doors are closed and my chances of being part of those groups are over? No way. Right now, I am allowing myself to be sad. I am allowing myself to be homesick, and I am allowing myself to be scared. Why am I worried that I'm not out partying with the rest of my floor? This is only my first weekend at campus and I am in my dorm room, by myself, on my laptop. WHO CARES? I will have plenty of time to go to parties. I will have plenty of opportunities to meet new people. If I don't feel comfortable going out right now and socializing, that doesn't mean I never will. I know it is my responsibility to go out and make friends and make this experience as amazing as possible, but I will do so at my own pace and in my own way. Even if it really doesn't feel that way right now, I am going to be okay, I am going to get through this and I am going to have a blast.

Just watch me.


Hugs and Kisses!